Finding Common Ground
Win-win, reframing conflict — my interest dressed up as "ours"
If you call someone else's interest "our shared one," you can smuggle your own in underneath it. The "common ground" technique: you reframe the conflict so that everyone supposedly wants the same thing — and that "same thing" just happens to coincide with what's good for you. It sounds like compromise, but it works like a steamroll with a smile.
"We all want [lofty shared goal], don't we? So it only makes sense to do [the thing I want]."
The Diplomat steers the vote in his favor:
Friends, let's not fight. We all want the same thing — for the bunker to survive, right? And if that's true, what we need isn't the strongest or the most useful person, but the one who can keep everyone at peace. Otherwise you'll tear each other apart before the radiation does. I'm not campaigning for myself. I'm just saying: let's choose peace. (And peace, as you've surely worked out, is me.)
His own interest sold as a shared value.
- Negotiation"We're both in this for a long partnership" — and your condition rides in on the back of it.
- Work"For the good of the team's results, let's do it my way."
- Family"We both want what's best for the kid" — and the argument closes in your favor.
Trigger: A conflict is suddenly declared a "shared goal," and from that goal it "logically follows" to do exactly what benefits the speaker.
Counter: "Yes, the goal is shared. But it doesn't lead to your option specifically — let's look at the others."
A common denominator is honest only if it yields more than one possible conclusion.
I never argue — an argument leaves a loser, and a loser takes revenge. I rename my interest "our shared one" and extend my hand. You shake it without noticing you just agreed to mine.
Where is "common ground" used as manipulation?